try and suck it up [jaysin]

when you're young like this you're supposed to party

Words: 899 Outfit: HERE Notes: OH SNAP.

it had taken everything in him to stumble into his room and go to bed. meeka had strongly debated cleaning the entire room top to bottom, but that thought quickly turned into wanting to clean every room on his floor and well, that was just pretty realistic. he felt fantastic and invincible. his mind was in hyper drive and he felt as if he could run a marathon. unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do without irritating a few people or causing suspicion. so instead of cleaning or running around the school like a crazy person, meeka forced himself to climb into bed and stuff his head under his pillow, trying desperately to try and silence the wave of thoughts that ran through his head all at once. eventually, meeka had gotten up and taken a shower and reorganized the bathroom, but eventually he had reached his crashing point and fallen into a deep state of unconsciousness in a sea of blankets and pillows and surprisingly, in his own bed.

at some point during the night, meeka had woken up to a wave of chills running along his spine, despite the fact that he should have been warm. it had been hours since he'd fallen onto his bed and passed into a dead sleep, but here he was, curled up in the middle of his bed with his blankets tucked tightly around him, shivering as if he were out in the middle of a snow storm. he had wanted to climb out of bed and crawl into jaysin's bed, seeking some kind of comfort, but he knew that even if the other male let it happen, meeka probably wouldn't be able to find the strength to actually get up and act on the thought. a wave of numbness hit him all at once like a train, pushing him back into a state of unconsciousness.

the next time he woke up, he woke up with a strangled groan. as soon as he sat up, he knew that he was going to get sick. he almost tripped and fell on his face as he jumped out of bed, pushing blankets and pillows out of his way and probably throwing them all over the floor in the struggle to get out of bed and to the bathroom, but he wasn't at all worried about the mess he was making or the noise that came with him getting sick. there wasn't much to empty into the porcelain bowl in front of his face, but the cold that raced up his spine was enough to make him want to crawl under a rock and die. why had he allowed himself to fall back into this? he had been doing so good... because you're weak, that's why. for the first time in a long time, meeka almost wanted to die. maybe if he ended it all, the pain would go away. but then where would that leave his family? where would that leave the few people that he meant something to? the only word that seemed to echo in his mind was why. it repeated again and again until he didn't even understand the meaning of the word any more.

meeka groaned in discomfort, hating the taste that was left in his mouth even more than the burning feeling in his throat and the way his eyes watered. annoyance morphed into disgust quickly as he looked down into the toilet bowl. all at once, he felt sick again, but weak. he wanted to break down and cry, but he wouldn't let himself cry right now. how pathetic would it be to cry over something that he'd put himself through dozens of times? he was the reason he was going through this and he was to blame. he did this to himself. meeka shook his head at himself out of pure annoyance, though the movement started to make him feel nauseated all over again. the pain was almost unbearable, but he wouldn't allow himself to break down. he heard the sound of footsteps behind him before he saw who they belonged to. if he had thought he felt numb before, he was sorely mistaken. turns out, he had never truly known the feeling of numb. his mind however was racing, spinning faster than it ever had before.

he didn't want jaysin to see him like this, though he knew that the other male had dealt with being woken up in the middle of the night by him before for similar reasons. meeka felt disgusted, but more guilty than anything else. "sorry... i didn't mean to wake you up." he said quickly, as if the silence between them was deafening. "i mean, i didn't expect..." he added, trying to find something to say to make the situation seem a little better, but instead he knew that he was just rambling and sounding more and more unhinged by the second. had his voice always sounded like that? it took so much energy to keep himself together. turning enough to look up at the other male, meeka wondered if he would even care. the numbness seemed to reach inside of him, threatening to destroy him slowly. "sorry." it was all that he could say. how was he supposed to explain this? he couldn't. all he could do was apologize and hope that the other male would just accept it.

created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL