Just the Edge [Cameron]

[Mikhail Alexei Horne]

The sky sparked with the chilly bite of October, not cold enough to be wintry, but losing even the very last refrains of summer. Mikhail stood outside of the theater, hands jammed deep into the thick black pockets of his coat. Of course, he wasn't dallying outside of a movie theater for no reason. He was waiting for a friend of his, and hoping fervently that Cam wasn't too cold while he walked. The boy didn't have enough fat on him to offer any protection.

There was one more important idea to get out of the way here.

This wasn't a date.

It was just two friends hanging out outside of school alone for the first time in a platonic manner. Incredibly platonic. Extremely, immensely platonic, no matter how many times Cameron's eye-catching collarbones (eyeshairhandsmouth) made Mik wonder otherwise. He wasn't weak enough to give in to a stupid collarbone.

Rocking back on his heels, Mikhail huddled back into the coat, fingering the edge of the letter he had received from his brother this morning, tucked and folded into the depths of the his right pocket. It had been shockingly optimistic, which wasn't abnormal for Lev, though Mik wondered how much of his enthusiasm was forced. He knew he could be fixed, but he didn't know how long it would take, and Lev's estimation seemed to be a little...well, just a little too eager. He probably just meant to make his little brother stop worrying, but that was a nearly impossible task, and Mikhail only worried about his evidential unexplored emotional turmoil more when faced with his brother's command-and-conquer attitude. He'd escaped their family's home unfazed, despite being there for two years longer than Mikhail had been. What was so wrong with Mik that he couldn't manage to do the same? Lev always claimed love was the answer, citing his best friend turned boyfriend with the excited affirmation that he would have turned out much worse if it hadn't been for him. That wasn't much help to Mikhail. The last time he had fallen for someone, he had been left heartbroken and with a kind of ingrown possessiveness that occasionally frightened him with its strength, and trying something like that again before he could control the fits of rage he had seemed...dangerous.

Mikhail shook the mood and the thoughts from his mind with a sigh. He was out with a friend today, and it was meant to be fun, and he couldn't spend his entire life focused on what was wrong with him. He could do this. He would do this. It was time to man up and have a good time.

OOC Notes: I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I BLAME SCHOOL. WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

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[Cameron Jace Christiansen]

cameron had spent a majority of his day fretting over going to the movie theater. there was so much good food that he would love to eat, but it would make him fat. he could buy a small popcorn, but it would make him fat. skittles, which were once his favorite candy, would make him fat. just inhaling the aroma would probably make him gain weight, and he was already fat. some of the kids in his class poked at his insecurities, like teenagers did. the problem with cam, though, is that he took everything to heart as long as it was bad. not even an entire year of good comments would make up for one bad one. he couldn't handle other people's criticisms. nobody quite understood that though, or maybe they just didn't care. he wasn't sure.

either way, he was afraid of being around food that was so tempting to him. he could already feel the guilt and weakness in the pit of his stomach.. or maybe he was hungry. cam knew he had no self-control when he was actually hungry. usually he could subdue it with lots of water and brushing his teeth, but he doubted he'd make it today. especially if mik ordered food. he wanted to cry already and he wasn't even at the theater yet. he shivered slightly, holding his sweater tighter to his body. okay, so maybe he should have worn two layers, but he had been lazy. he had goosebumps and he was shivering slightly, but he made it to the theater, seeing his friend standing there waiting for him.

cam smiled brightly, giving the other male a wave. cameron would never tell mikhail that he had the biggest crush on him. mik probably wouldn't like someone as fat and ugly and disgusting as he. the thoughts could have brought tears to his eyes but he ignored it quietly, blinking away the tears. "hey mik!" he exclaimed as he approached his friend. first, his eyes stuck on those gorgeous eyes. man, he couldn't tear himself away from them sometimes. they were such a piercing blue that cameron could often barely contain himself. his mind traveled to his height and his beautiful hair. however, he couldn't help but remind himself that mikhail would probably never want him. he was fat and ugly, he reminded himself. apparently, he needed to remind himself because he was starting to think that maybe it was plausible.

he shook his head a little. "how are you? i'm sorry! you've probably been waiting here forever. what movie do you want to see?" he asked with a smile, picking at his hands nervously. this date didn't mean anything except that they were just friends. he was convinced. mikhail was probably just being a good person, he probably didn't even want to be just regular friends.

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[Mikhail Alexei Horne]

Mikhail grinned when Cameron appeared, wrapped in layers and bundled into a scarf that, if it had been pulled up a bit, would have been big enough to overwhelm half of his face. There were no collarbones on display today, which was a relief, he supposed. Mik jerked his hand out of his pocket in order to wave. "Hey, Cammy." Mik tapped his foot against the ground in a way that was decidedly not nervous, because nervousness was not a good emotion to have in this situation, because it would mean that there was more going on than Mikhail was able to deal with, or even admit. He shook himself away from the thoughts and listened with a grin to the preemptively apologetic flood of words that was urged forth from Cameron's mouth without prompting. "No, I haven't been waiting long at all! It's fine, it's fine. Don't panic." Impulsively, he reached out to gently tug Cameron's hands away from each other so he wouldn't make himself bleed again (which tended to happen a lot, Mik had noticed, not that he was staring at Cam's hands or anything), and then pulled his own hand back as quickly as he could, shocked by a sudden urge to just keep on touching him.

Right. He would have to maintain as little physical contact as possible, lest he do something he'd regret later. Even if it turned out that he did have some sort of...feelings for Cam, he absolutely could not act on them. Even letting himself be friends with the other boy was dangerous. Mik only hurt people he cared about, and it would be altogether safer for Cameron if they just stopped talking to each other altogether.

Mikhail wasn't sure why he couldn't just do that. It would be the right thing to do.

"Heh, right, I'm good. How about you?" His voice was a little too frantic on the first few words, and he consciously slowed it down, feeling uncomfortably wordless. Mikhail fiddled with the buttons on his coat, noticed he was doing it, dropped his hands to his sides, clenched them compulsively, noticed he was doing that and then stopped moving altogether. "As for movie choice, I'm not really sure. What sort of thing do you like? I'm pretty easy, genre-wise. It's more about the quality of the movie itself for me, and we won't know about that until we see it. Just promise that if we see a romantic comedy you won't tell anyone. It'll ruin that reputation that I don't actually have." He laughed at himself, albeit slightly nervously, and then opened the door to the theater so Cameron could go through first, just to have something to do.

And god, he really had to stop doing things like that. This was not a date. It wasn't. It couldn't be.

Still, the gesture had already been made, so he kept it up, curling his toes inside his sneakers since that was a nervous gesture that couldn't be seen. He had to allow himself something.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Mik asked, trying to calm himself down. He didn't know why he was so nervous. Okay, sure, he hadn't really hung out with any of his friends from St. Helena's all that much, and he hadn't hung out alone with Cameron at all until today, so maybe it made sense to want things to go well. It didn't explain the frantic beat of his heart jumping around in his chest like a caged animal, though, and he focused on slowing it. "I'm buying." He blurted out, once he was a little calmer. Immediately, his heart rate ricocheted up again. He had to stop doing that. Not a date, not a date.

Okay, a little bit of a date. But only a little bit.

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[Cameron Jace Christiansen]

cam couldn’t help but grin to himself when he saw mikhail wave to him and greet him. man, why would someone as amazing as mikhail want to be around someone as crappy as himself? he didn’t understand what was going on with it, not really. it was depressing to him, that someone he liked so much might actually like him back, not because he didn’t want them to, but because he didn’t think he deserved someone so nice; someone who was so perfect, but too perfect for him. he hadn’t noticed that he was picking at his hands until mikhail took them and pulled them apart, wide eyes gazing up at him for a moment as he retracted his hands as quickly as possible. cam figured it was because he didn’t want to touch someone as disgusting as himself. he wasn’t positive, but that was his guess and it’s what he chose to believe.

cam secretly wished the other boy could just read his mind, so he could tell him to shut up and that he was being dumb, but he knew that it wasn’t possible, because he wasn’t being dumb. he was being realistic, something that he tried to be as often as possible in order to keep his hopes down. he didn’t want to get his hopes up only to have them shattered later. it actually scared him, it made him want to curl up into a ball and just sob. whatever was happening today meant nothing to mikhail, and it should mean nothing to him, but he couldn’t convince himself to not care about the fact that he was practically on a date with the only boy he’d ever liked as “more than a friend.” the thought made him strive to be “perfect” even more than he already did. he wanted to get down to his goal weight and maintain it, maybe then he’d be good enough for someone to want to be more than just that kid with the blond hair.

“i’m okay.. it’s kind of cold out here so.. just a little cold.” he said with a small smile, rubbing his arms through his jacket. he was sure mik wasn’t cold. he was bigger than him and probably generated more heat. the worst part of this problem was that he didn’t want it anymore. through his many trips to the hospital for them to pump nutrient rich, brown goo down his throat through a tube in his nose, he knew this wasn’t normal. he didn’t want to be so small, he didn’t want to have violent tremors when he got hungry, which was inevitable because he made a point to not eat much. his heart ached in a physical way because it was getting weaker from his lack of nutrients. he was waiting for the day that it gave out from the constant abuse cam threw at it not only physically but emotionally.

to say that cam hated himself was an understatement. cameron completely loathed himself for reasons that most people would probably never understand. from the constant bullying in highschool and the hate that his father held in his heart especially for cam would always linger in the back of his mind. maybe it wasn’t the most prominent thought, but it was there and all he could do was try to avoid it. “i don’t know.. maybe we could see like.. an action film.” he said with a smile, hands nervously moving together once more. his nails dug into his skin once again, picking at it as he walked through the door that mikhail was holding open.

oh god, concessions. he couldn’t do this. “uh.. no, i’m good.. i ate dinner before i came..” he said slowly, biting his lip. the smell of butter popcorn burnt his nose and made his stomach sore with hunger pains. “you go ahead and get something and i might just have a little bit..” he said with a shrug. he was no longer worried about how much of a ‘date’ they were having. he was worried about eating like a pig. he was already fat, he didn’t need to gain any weight. “really.. you don’t have to buy me anything, mik.. just get yourself something.” he said again, eyeing the popcorn before looking away, a hand resting on his stomach after a moment.

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