just stay hungry :: august

[Peter Ayden Barry]

CAFETERIA | MONDAY | OCTOBER 5TH | AROUND 1 PM

Sleepiness was like a contagious disease on Mondays. Even though it was already the afternoon, a chain of yawns flowed through the cafeteria. Peter had a lot of disdain for many of his classmates, but he could agree this was something they all had in common. He supposed many of them spent their weekend partying at the quarry or The Cell. Although he never attended, or was invited, to one of their parties he could imagine what it was like. Back in Utah he went to a couple with his good friend Gavin, but he basically clung to him the whole night and felt awkward in the midst of all the dancing and craziness. He would have rather driven around in Gavin's car listening to music like they usually did. Unfortunately at St. Helena's, there weren't many social alternatives.

He was sitting at his usual table in the cafeteria. It was in the back of the room close to the corner. And as usual, there was no one else sitting with him. When he first got to St. Helena's last semester he made no effort to be social. He just tried to shut everything out in hopes that it would all go away somehow. But being alone made him a natural target. A few senior guys would often approach him and harass him a bit. They were part of that "royals" group. The fact that they actually went to the level of comparing themselves to royalty sickened Peter and made him want to laugh out loud at their pretentious stupidity. He made the mistake of saying a little too much one day and things got a bit physical. Despite his socially awkward nature, Peter knew how to defend himself. Assault was how he got put in here in the first place. Peter was able to take on two of the guys before he was knocked out. They were all stripped of their privileges, but Peter was glad that it was more of a punishment for them since he rarely went out. After that, no one gave another thought to going near his table.

It was a new semester and those guys graduated, but he was still alone all the same. If someone asked him he would ensure he didn't mind and he preferred it that way. But that wasn't true. Just like at school back home he envied those who actually had people they could depend on. And at home he eventually had Gavin and a few acquaintances. Here there was no one. Peter often wondered whether other kids looked over at him and commented on the fact that he was alone. Most of the times he concluded that they called him a pathetic loser. Those words were practically ingrained in his mind by his step-father. Why should it be any different with anyone else?

Peter looked down in dismay at the lunch on his tray. There was a dried up turkey sandwich, an apple and a bag of chips. The food didn't get much more elaborate than that. Still, he did not have the stomach to eat any of it. This semester they put him on meds for depression and anxiety. So far it hadn't been working out so well. At night he tossed and turned and in the day his appetite was non-existent. He told them what was going on but they told him to ride it out. That was two weeks ago. He was beginning to believe this place was actually making him go crazy. The reason he was here was for Hank to get him out of his life in the most intrusive way possible. But after a few months, something in him felt different. He did not like it.

He continued his observations from the back of the room. Nothing really struck him as particularly interesting today. It seemed like the "royals" were all excited about something. With a dry laugh and an eye roll he became occupied with his sandwich.

[August Marie Sills]

Every day consisted of the same old thing. Get up, go to classes, be forever tormented and haunted by the fact that people hated you, and then go lock yourself away in your room for the rest of the day until the next. August had a very simple schedule, with the casual trip in to go see her counselor. It drove her crazy but a lot of the time, she could hide away with the voices in her head, who conversed with her almost all of the time when she was feeling the most alone. It also helped to have them around because when her night terrors woke her up, she had a really hard time falling back asleep. The night terrors themselves paranoid the poor girl, often causing her to stay up so she'd never have to go through them again. That tactic always failed though, especially when she was tired from the long day and didn't want to be awake to deal with it anymore.

That was a day in the life of miss August Marie Sills and she longed for it to be something different. It was always so lonely for her, just because she really had no friends. It was hard for people to grasp the fact that she talked to voices inside of her head. It was also because how odd she was, that people were put off by her. Being a quiet individual, other student's either didn't recognize her or did but didn't think she was worth conversing with. It was a hard dynamic to understand for the girl, so she just often accepted the fact that no one liked her and that she'd be forever by herself.

Today was no different and by the time lunch time rolled around, she felt the stress creeping up on her. Having to sit with someone scared her, because what if they were really judgmental? Would they cuss at her? and tell her to leave? Dealing with those situations was always the worst. After collecting her food, she gripped the edges of her tray with her pale hands, her white knuckles pale from the grip. Clenching her jaw, her careful blue eyes scanned over the cafeteria slowly. Royals… no , she wasn't going anywhere near the royals… or the tables with student's who seemed to already really know each other. Why was it that everyone already had groups established? It seemed so hard to get that, at least for August. Sighing nervously, he distressed expression pulled across her face. If August had her own way, she'd skip over lunch and just go to her next class so she could get her day done faster.

Giving another scan of the room, her blue orbs caught the glimpse of a boy sitting alone. He was one of the only people sitting alone and approaching one person… instead of a group seemed more doable. Walking over to the table slowly, she looked at him while he occupied himself with his sandwich before saying something. " Hello.. Uh.. may i please sit with you?" She asked very nervously, looking as if she was about to break because this was too much of a big task for her. Her scottish accent clung to her words, making it easy to understand what she said, but making her words sound a little different then normal english ones. The petite girl clenched her jaw even tighter, hoping he wouldn't be mean like all of the other student's. He seemed very nice, but she wasn't sure about that. " If.. if you don't want me to i can find somewhere else.."" She added all of a sudden, second guessing her choice.

[Peter Ayden Barry]

CAFETERIA | MONDAY | OCTOBER 5TH | AROUND 1 PM

Instead of actually eating his food, he continued to roll it around his tray. His mind was occupied with thoughts of school work. That was one of the only things that could distract him here. He was an average student, but he liked the order it brought into his life. His favorite subjects remained the same: English and the arts. And he still hated math. Mentally going through his classes, he wondered if he forgot anything he was supposed to do for them later in the day. There was always that one homework assignment that slipped by him and then when it was announced his stomach would drop in remembrance.

In his daze, he barely noticed the anxious girl standing before him. When he did he was a little stunned. In his eight months at St. Helena's the only people who every approached him had been those trying to get a rise out of him. This girl looked absolutely frightened and he hadn't even spoken to her yet. Why was she so timid in front of him? Peter was perfectly aware that some people were even worse than he was socially, but he didn't see himself as a threat. He was more invisible than anything... a bit pathetic really in his opinion.

Hello.. Uh.. may i please sit with you?

Looking up into her eyes he could tell she was being completely sincere. This wasn't some sort of bait for him to grab so the popular kids could mock him. She seemed like a decent person. Although he was leaning towards guys more and more, he could not deny her beauty. There was also something sexy about her accent, but he would never admit it out loud. He wondered if she was from some part of England. Peter never traveled anywhere out of the United States. He had never even been to the east coast. A bunch of questions popped into his head, but his social anxiety lassoed him back to his distorted reality.

If... if you don't want me to i can find somewhere else...

The truth was he didn't want her to leave at all. It must've been a week since he had any sort of conversation with someone his own age. Here he suffered chronic loneliness. No matter how long he'd been lonely he could never shake the sadness that came with it. He needed to figure out something to say.

"Uh, hi..." he said, thinking that was a start.

Now what? Then he remembered she asked to sit with him. That detail still puzzled him. Why him?

"Yeah, go ahead," he pushed out with a half smile. This was progress in his book.

"But uh, why do you want to sit with me?" he asked, regretting his words as soon as they came out. He hoped he wasn't being rude. All he needed was for her to get freaked out and walk away.

[August Marie Sills]

August was beginning to doubt herself. She was so stupid for thinking she could approach someone in this school who'd actually want her to sit with them. When he acknowledged her , she kept her eye contact with him, her blue eyes sparkling with curiosity and hope that maybe he'd say she could join him. Freaking out inside of her head, she panicked. This was a stupid idea and a mistake, she should have just eaten her lunch in the bathroom like she usually did. After a few moments of silence, the girl gripped her tray a little tighter, looking around the cafeteria to see if she could find a different table to sit at. Or if there would be a chance there would be another table that was empty that she could have all to herself.

When his voice spoke out into the mutters of the entire cafeteria, she snapped her gaze back to the blonde boy. He sure as heck didn't sound like he wanted her. It added to her doubt that was for sure. Taking another deep breath, she waited for his next few words before letting a small smile pull at the corners of her lips. Seeing him smile, at least a little bit , reassured her that this wasn't a stupid decision. Setting her tray down on the table, she pulled out the chair and sat herself down. Quickly running her hands through her hair, she made eye contact with him, raising a blonde eyebrow as he asked that next question.

" But uh, why do you want to sit with me?"

Others might have thought of that as rude to ask and August sure did blink at the question. Looking slightly taken back and hurt, she wondered if she wasn't good enough to sit with him. It was weird where her mind went, but it did go to that. Looking down at herself for a moment, she cleared her throat. " Well.. " You aren't good enough for him August… you aren't good enough for anyone. So stop wasting your time , people don't like you and you have a poor future ahead of you. One of the voices snapped to her, making her even look more taken back. The schizophrenia sucked because it always shot the little confidence she had. Adjusting herself uncomfortably in her chair, she looked up at him. " I.. i don't normally have anyone to sit with. I wanted to change that.. " She said innocently, her scottish twang still there within her voice.

As afraid of contact and facing someone as August was.. she wasn't shy of eye contact. Her blue eyes looked right into his, hopeful that maybe he wouldn't be the typical douche bag most guys were around here. " Plus, we are in the same grade.. at least i think. I don't know many people in my grade" She added, biting her lower lip.